


You Know What They Say About Assuming

by hopeandjoy



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Bad Advice, Character's Name Spelled as Viktor, M/M, Misunderstandings, Post-Canon, The Talk, being yurio is suffering, there is discussion of maple syrup as lube, viktor tries to be a good mentor/brother/father figure and fails
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-04
Updated: 2017-01-04
Packaged: 2018-09-14 16:07:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9191120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hopeandjoy/pseuds/hopeandjoy
Summary: Yuri knows exactly who to blame for telling Viktor about his maybe-crush on Otabek, but the embarrassment that follows is all Viktor.Viktor just wants to be a good mentor.Yuri wants to avoid murdering skating's living legend.





	

Yuri was now convinced that somebody up there hated him.

Well, it wasn’t a mystery who that “someone” was. When Otabek had messaged him yesterday with a link to YouTube video of the new tiger cub at the Leningrad Zoo, Mila had caught him looking at his phone and started snickering almost immediately.

“Oh, our little Yuri is becoming so grown up!” she had said. “So who’s got you looking at your phone like that, hmm? Did you finally find a girlfriend?”

At that, any goodwill left in Yuri after watching small felines playing evaporated and he spun around to face her. “Shut up,  _ baba _ ! What I look at on my phone’s none of your business.” He crossed his arms. “Besides, I told you that, unlike a certain  _ somebody _ , I’m not interested in wasting my time with a girlfriend when I could be practicing.” 

“Like you’re practicing right now?”

Yuri huffed. “Water breaks are acceptable,” he said, crossing his arms. However, taking this defiant stance merely opened Yuri to Mila’s attack as she snatched his phone right from his hand and unlocked it.  _ Damn it, _ Yuri thought.  _ I should’ve never asked her to time me that one time.  _

“’Beka’? Oh! Isn’t that that cute Kazakh skater you’re friends with?” Mila asked.

“What of it anyway? He’s my friend, he’s allowed to send me cat videos,” Yuri said.

Mila giggled. “Well, when you opened your phone you were making this face,” she said, before pulling her face into a gentle smile with soft eyes, the type Yuri sometime saw on Viktor’s face when the pig texted him and Yuri had never, in his entire life, ever made. Ever. Not even once. Yuri snatched his phone back from Mila’s grip and resolved to change his passcode.

“So what if I was smiling? Last time I checked you’re allowed to smile when your friend texts you.”

“Oh, Yuri,” Mila said with an impish smile. “You weren’t just smiling, you were blushing too!” Yuri felt heat climb from his core and radiate out from him as he attempted to calculate the best way to kick her without Yakov telling him to go home for the day. Mila just laughed harder. “Yes! Like that!”

“ _ Baba _ …!” Yuri warned, but before he could retaliate, Yakov had yelled at him and Mila to knock it off before he made the two of them do double drills for a week. Yuri had then shoved the memory into an overstuffed corner of his mind labeled “slights done by Mila against me” and returned to work.

For some reason, he hadn’t foreseen Mila blabbing this story to the living legend currently smiling beside Yuri.

“Yurio!” exclaimed Viktor. “So Mila tells me you’re finally talking to someone!”

Yuri sighed dramatically. “First off, that’s not my name. Secondly, I talk to people all the time. I’m talking to you right now even, against my better judgement.”

“No, no, I mean you’re finally  _ talking _ to someone!” Viktor said. Yuri made a confused noise. Viktor, in response, visibly deflated. “Do… Do the kids call it something else these days?” he asked as he touched the top of his head, trying to find his non-existent bald spot. “Yuri, do the kids in your grade still know who I am? Or am I not hip anymore? Is it the way I talk? Say, Yura, could you teach me the current sl-“

“Viktor,” Yuri said, cutting him off. “Don’t you have to practice? Or lead the pig’s practice?” Yuri gestured to the rink, where the Japanese Yuuri was slowly skating figure eights as a warm up.

Viktor flashed Yuri a 100 megawatt smile. “Water breaks are acceptable,” he said. “Besides, my Yuuri can handle warming up on his own until he needs to jump.” Yuri grunted and continued drinking from his water bottle. Viktor, in response, pouted. “Yuri!” he whined. “You didn’t answer my question!”

“No, I will not teach you slang, old man.”

“Not that! Are you or are you not talking to Otabek?” Viktor asked.

“Of course I’m talking to Otabek,” Yuri said. “It’s not like we’re fighting.”

“No, Yura. I mean talking. Like trying to figure out if you’re going to date.”

Yuri, who had been drinking as Viktor dropped that bombshell, began coughing after water went down the wrong pipe in response. Viktor clapped him on the back in response. “Where,” Yuri said, wheezing. “Where did you hear that from?”

Viktor shrugged. “Oh you know. Around.”

Yuri glared at the back of Mila’s head from across the rink.

“Well,” Viktor said with a flourish of his hand. “From your reaction, I suppose that the rumor is true.” He wrapped his arm around Yuri’s shoulders. “As your mentor and someone in a long-term, committed relationship-“

“Of less than a year.”

“ _ A long-term, committed relationship _ , I suppose I have no choice but to guide you to a successful relationship.”

Luckily, before Yuri could be faced with whatever Viktor considered “good advice”, Yuuri called out from the rink.

“Viktor! Are you actually going to coach me sometime today?”

Viktor leapt up and rushed forward to meet him. “Of course, Yuuri! I’ll be right there!”

Yuri sighed in relief. With any luck, Viktor’s shit memory would kick in and his impending embarrassment would be averted.

_____________________

Indeed, a week had passed without Viktor cornering Yuri to give him any form of mentoring, so when the pig had invited Yuri over to his and Viktor’s place for dinner, he hadn’t thought twice about accepting. After all, Yuuri’s cooking was rather good (not that Yuri would ever admit this out loud, even under threat of his life) and Yuri was sick of picking up takeout on his way back to his apartment.

There were no conversations about Yuri’s imaginary love life over the dinner table, and as such Yuri had felt safe to watch TV on Viktor and Yuuri’s way too plush couch and rest his feet on the coffee table as Viktor and Yuuri worked through the dishes. (Maybe that made him a bad guest, but he wouldn’t wish sitting through their flirting on anyone. Not even JJ.) Yuri absentmindedly patted Makkachin next to him as he watched a drama. As such, his guard was completely down for what happened next as Viktor plopped on the side not occupied by an aging poodle. Yuri glanced at him from the corner of his eye. Viktor was smiling widely in a way that only predicted the embarrassment of whomever he was addressing. Yuri then glanced at the kitchen behind him, where the pig was still drying dishes. A chill went through him.

“Yurio,” Viktor said. “Let’s talk.”

Yuri stared in determination at the TV and took a deep breath. “About what?” he said, slowly. 

“Well, I just think you’re at the age when an adult should sit you down and discuss things with you.”

The chill was rapidly becoming a numb, icy feeling. “What… Sort of things?”

“Why, sex of course!”

There was a clattering sound from the kitchen as Yuuri dropped a pot. Makkachin and Viktor both looked up in worry. “I’m okay, I’m okay!” Yuuri called. He put away the dropped pot and then walked next to the couch. “Viktor, Yurio’s 15. I’m sure he’s well aware of-“ Yuuri adjusted his glasses nervously “-of sex.”

“Oh, I’m not going to give him  _ The _ Talk! I’m giving him the advanced talk! The how to have sex well talk!”

Yuri tried to speak, really. But all that came out was a creaky noise. He desperately looked at Yuuri.  _ Please, _ Yuri said with his eyes.  _ For the love of God, control your fiancé. _

Yuuri was silent.

_ Please! I’ll never call you a pig again! _

Finally, Yuuri smiled. “Makkachin!” he said. “It’s time for a walk, isn’t it?” The way Makkachin had been sleeping until a few seconds ago clearly indicated it wasn’t time for his walk, but he leapt up anyway. Yuri could only stare as horror as Makkachin was hooked up to his leash and Yuuri and Viktor waved goodbye to each other.

_ You traitor! See if I ever give you Grandpa’s pirozhki ever again. _

Finally, Yuri had been abandoned in the dragon’s den. His palms sweat, even though he was pretty sure that his blood had been frozen solid. Viktor was still smiling. Yuri opened and closed his mouth a few times before he remembered how talking worked.

“I’m not a little kid, Viktor,” he said. His voice sounded far too steady for the amount of horror he was currently feeling. “I’ve been on the internet.”

Viktor tutted. “You can’t believe everything you see on the internet you know. Porn is highly unrealistic.”

“Oh God.”

“For example, you shouldn’t spit on your partner’s face. Unless they like that. But you should ask first. Oh, but you probably shouldn’t ask about kinks they first time.”

“Please stop.”

“Or worse, when I was a kid there was all this written gay erotica that seemed to have no idea how gay sex worked!”

“Viktor, if Katsudon comes home to your dead body, I won’t even lie to the police.”

“Sometimes the characters would just stick it in without lube or any stretching!”

“It will be ok, because although he’ll be sad, both he and the police will agree it was self-defense.”

“So Yura, the next time you see Otabek, make sure you have lube on you! Actual lube, from a drug store. Lotion won’t work. And neither will more… creative substitutions.”

“I’m pretty sure this is a war crime, according to the Geneva Convention.”

“For example, maple syrup.”

Yuri was pretty sure he could hear a record needle scratch. “Maple… syrup? You read erotica where the characters used maple syrup as lube?”

Viktor nodded. “If I remember correctly, it was something about naked waffle making.”

Yuri gapped.

“I wouldn’t recommend it,” Viktor continued. “Very sticky, not smooth. The sugar crystalizes so it tears condoms and makes it painful. Risk of yeast infection if you don’t clean well.”

“V-viktor…” Yuri said. “You sound… familiar with the concept.

Viktor’s eye twitched, but he remained silent.

“Viktor, please tell me you didn’t.”

The silence stretched.

“Viktor!”

A car alarm went off a few blocks away.

“Viktor, please!”

“Look, I was 16 and desperate and what happens at skating camp is supposed to stay at skating camp ok? And besides no one got hurt. After the anti-fung-“ Yuri clamped his hands over Viktor’s mouth.

“No.”

Viktor sighed and removed Yuri’s hands from his mouth.

“Ok.”

Still, Yuri was not able to avoid the assault of too much information about Viktor’s past sex life, his masturbation habits, and his and the pig’s current sex life. He had eventually decided to stare at the soap opera on the TV screen in a vain attempt to screen out the soap opera Viktor was telling him. Yuuri had even returned, though all he did was give Yuri a sympathetic glance before grabbing his laptop and retreating to the apartment’s main bedroom. Yuri had stared after him in jealousy.

Still, Yuri was not known for his patience and after an hour and a half of Viktor assaulting his ears, he had enough.

Yuri groaned loudly, stamping his feet on the ground loudly before standing up. “Why are you subjecting me to the sordid details of your entire goddamn life?”

Viktor frowned. “Yuri, I just want you to be prepared!”

“Prepared for what?! I’m not having sex anytime soon!”

“That’s okay!” Viktor said. “You and Otabek can go at your own speed. Besides, I know it’s hard with a long distance relationship and all-“

Yuri had had enough. “Beka and I are not dating! We are not ‘talking’ or whatever it is! We’re just friends!”

Viktor blinked. “Ah,” was all he said.

“And even if I did, maybe, kind of sort of l-like him, I still wouldn’t want to know everything you and the pig get up to in that bedroom! Argh!” Yuri yelled. He threw up his hands before collapsing back onto the couch, cradling his head in his hands.

“Yuri, I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

Yuri grunted. Viktor was silent as he drummed his fingers on his leg.

“Yuri, do you have a crush on Otabek?” Viktor said at last.

“No,” Yuri said immediately. But then he thought of holding on to Otabek’s back on his bike as they raced through the streets of Barcelona. “I dunno.” How Otabek seemed to seek out videos Yuri would like, tweets he would find amusing, pictures of cats on Instagram with well-chosen filters. “Maybe.”  _ You had the eyes of a solder. _ “…Yeah,” Yuri finally admitted, so quietly it could be a whisper.

Viktor reached a hand out and ruffled Yuri’s hair. “I’m sorry for embarrassing you. I just don’t want to see you hurt.”

Yuri sighed and headed to the front door to collect his things. “I know,” he said.

_____________________

Still, while Viktor may have given up his quest to make Yuri’s life a living hell with tales of his past misadventures, this didn’t stop him trying to give Yuri some very familiar advice to subtly “hint” to Otabek that Yuri was into him every time Yuri saw him over the next few weeks.

“Has he ever asked you to do something for him? You should try it!”

“Try taking a surprise trip to Almaty!”

“Some cultures consider the nape to be really sexy. You could ‘accidentally’ show yours.”

“Beaches are really good places to connect. Oh, but Kazakhstan is land-locked, isn’t it? Hmm, maybe invite him here?”

“When’s the next competition he’s in? If he does really well or surprises you somehow, you could meet him in the kiss and cry and kiss! And cry!”

Yuri was about one more conversation away from Googling “how to murder skating’s living legend and dump the body in the Neva without being caught by the police or making his fiancé, who you still, somehow, look up to, cry” when said fiancé sat next to Yuri during one of his, increasingly cursed, water breaks.

“Hi, Yurio,” Yuuri said. Yuri grunted in response. “You know that Viktor is only doing this because he wants you to be happy, right?”

“I’d be happy,” Yuri said, “if he would just shut up about it. Not everyone gets together in the bizarre romcom way you idiots did, you know.” 

Yuuri hummed in agreement. “That’s true.” A companionable silence fell between the two Yuris. Unlike many times Yuri has sat in silence with someone in the past month or so, this one felt comfortable, as if Yuuri was telling him “Yes, I may be too much of a wimp to actually stop him while he’s doing it, but I too think Viktor is being absolutely ridiculous.” Still, as the water break stretched on, Yuri felt Yuuri staring at him as if he was trying to formulate what to say.

Yuri sighed. “You have advice too, don’t you.” It wasn’t a question, but a statement. Yuuri nodded and Yuri groaned in response. “Well, you might as well.”

“I’m no expert, but I think you should just figure out what you want to do, Yurio,” Yuuri said. “You’re right, not everyone has Viktor and my relationship.” 

“That’s barely even advice.”

Yuuri shrugged. “I thought I’d try.”

“If you really want to help me,” Yuri said, “you’d get Viktor to stop trying to give me advice.”

Yuuri sighed. “I’ll see what I can do. But you know how he is when he gets… Notions.”

_____________________

Later that night, as Yuri pet Sasha on his bed (who, like all cats, would never give him bad advice every time he saw her for a solid month) he stared at his text message history with Otabek before steeling himself.

_ [You 19:23] hey man next time we meet up wanna catch dinner and a movie? _

_ [You 19:23] just to be clear im asking you out on a date-date. not a friend-date. _

Yuri held his breath, but only a minute later came the response.

_ [Beka 19:24] Sure. I’d like that a lot. _

Yuri smiled into his pillow. The action was maybe a bit lovesick teenager but, well. He was a lovesick teenager. He was man enough to admit it.

**Author's Note:**

> why maple syrup? i originally wanted to make a jab at the ten million fics i've read with chocolate sauce for lube because it makes me twitch. and sympathy itch. but maple syrup seemed like even worse of an idea that would still show up in 2000s era fic.
> 
> yuri's cat is named sasha under the recommendation of a friend of mine, who assured me it was an excellent russian cat name and the fact they have a cat named sasha has nothing to do with it.


End file.
